I used to be cynical, rolling my eyes for things I once thought ridiculous. But now, I'm not anymore. I can't say that I don't care, maybe I can finally appreciate how others are happy in their own ways. Maybe I've respected that and finally admitted to myself that I was jealous of that - of their happiness. Now, I'm just waiting for the day I get to breathe freely again, it feels like it's been a long long time.

Down and Down

Got this from tumblr one night when I was having those kinda thoughts.

Witty title. I've been listening to Coldplay and I remembered their latest music video was entitled Up and Up, watched it for the first time with some friends a while back.

Do not be alarmed by the picture. Yes I drive, been driving since I was sixteen. Most nights the drive home from school are late ones so it does make sense to say that it crossed my mind more than once.

But nope. One thing I discovered about myself lately, after all those bad kind of thoughts and saying multiple times to certain people that I want to get my life over with, I can't bring myself to do it.

How did I know - well, like I said I've told a lot of people and sure they did their thing of consoling me and listening to what I feel (some of them anyway) and didn't go through with it not because of them but in truth for me. I can't do it. Hilarious and ironic, I'm actually afraid of dying. Now, I bet a few of you reading and I have somebody in mind who would say that it's 'typical' or 'hypocritical'. Let me just laugh at that. I'm actually a kind person. Too kind in fact. That I don't want people to feel sad. That's one reason.

Reason two, I guess it's not the actual death itself that terrifies me but what comes after. I'm actually feeling goosebumps as I type this. What happens after that? Is there an afterlife? Is there a next life? We'd never know. What if that was just it and there's nothing when you're gone. The thought scares me.

That's why, I'm sort of inching myself out of the dark zone and into the grey, not fully into the light yet. Baby steps. But I do want to make this life worth something, in case it would be the only one I will have. And so I have a motto, two actually, one in English and one in pretentious Latin (but in all honesty I love it so I don't care what people say.)

The one in English is...

                " The idea is to die young as late as possible."

While the one in Latin goes

" Memento vivere, memento mori "

(Remember you will die so you can live)

Well, that's one interpretation of the phrase anyway (let's not dwell into the domain of cults).  

And I think it's just one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.